My Lyfestyle Through Lyrics
Unless you’re a male swimmer or bodybuilder, you won’t understand what women go through when it comes to grooming the land down under. You think you know, but you have no idea. Men will never know how complicated it is for a women to get ready. Every guy wonders why it takes women so long to get ready when they’re downstairs waiting as your hair greys. HELLO?! Y’all don’t realize what we were doing HOURS before you arrived.
You really want to know? Aside from the manicure, pedicure, hair salon appointment, and shoe, accesories and clothes shopping, we’ve had to either shave or wax. Why bother shaving or waxing, you ask? Aren’t we sexier with smoother legs? Duh! But this post isn’t about shaving, nor is it about waxing legs. You guessed it, it’s about taming the mane, Mister Miyagi-ing it, groom the bloom, mowing the lawn, wax the the grass and however else people reference waxing the land down under.
Most women just shave. Others use the sugaring technique or even dipilitory creams like Nair (I know that jingle is going to be going through your head for a few seconds because it’s going through mine at this very moment as well). I’ve tried all except sugaring. I’ve read instructions on the recipe and that turned out to be a NO GO because it takes some perfecting to get the right consistency and amount of vinegar and sugar. I don’t have the patience for it, to be quite honest. I’d rather buy a home waxing kit and do it myself (I’m a do it yourself kind of woman, especially if it saves me money).
Now my first waxing experience wasn’t all that bad. I went to get waxed at a professional salon. I felt more at ease that someone else was pulling the strips and not myself. My high tolerance for pain helped, but boy did that initial electric shock of the strip being ripped from my skin with my hair HURT! My homegirls and college team mates went together. You see, our sport required us to wear specific uniforms that pretty much exposed EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. And when you’re in the middle of the track field in front of thousands of spectators for hours on end, one can get self conscious about what we’re wearing. So we, my team mates and I, began getting particular about the area below (we got on the topic because we were talking about razor bumps, horrible smelling dipilitory creams and edible waxes such as Nads). One of my team mates even went as far as putting an afro wig in her uniform in her private area and pranced around the athletic offices and onto the track during practice as a demonstration as to how things can look completely wrong with our current uniforms. As funny as it was, we all became more self conscious after the vivid visual. We complained to the coaches why we didn’t like our current uniforms and why we were wanting less revealing uniforms. They heard our concerns but couldn’t re-order new uniforms due to costs of re-shipping, returning merchandise and re-ordering. So they suggested we wear our shorts or groom the area (coaches can be so cruel and inconsiderate GRRR).
Why am I bothering to post about waxing? I’ve seen so many people on my twitter timeline this past month with questions regarding waxing. Does it hurt? Should I just do the bikini line (also known as the American)? Is the landing strip better (widely known as the Hitler or Charlie Chaplin but also known as the French)? One of my followers wants to try the Brazillian (Wax all the hair completely off). It’s no easy feat, but once a woman has waxed, she never goes back… unless traveling and you don’t have any other source of hair removal but the hotel razor (been there done that. I wouldn’t recommend it).
Aside from my Twitter followers and people I follow, it seems my college mentor’s neighbors had the same questions about waxing experiences and techniques. I was trying to finish this blog post yesterday while sunbathing topless by the private pool (I’m a free spirit who hates tanlines *shrugs*. Don’t judge me). Apparently sunbathing topless was on the female neighbors’ bucketlists. So they joined me hesitantly. To break the ice, I pretty much told them “ladies, we all have the same body parts and it’s too hot for clothes today anyways” (it’s been in the 90s the past few days). There we were, 6 topless women poolside, without a care in the world. As I continued to blog from my iPhone WordPress App (I have to stop doing this because my eyesight is being affected by blogging on such a small screen), one of the ladies asked how I liked my iPhone because she’s been wanting to move away from her blackberry. “a crackberry is a crackberry but if you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone. I love my iPhone. I blog from it daily amongst a wide array of other activities the phone has available”. A light switch seemed to have gone on when I said the word “blog”. They all asked what my site address was and what the topic was for my recent blog post. I gave them my WordPress address and they all giddily read from their phones. After reading my previous posts they began asking questions about my waxing post. I did a password protect on the rough draft just so they could read what I had written thus far. As they giggled while reading, one of them yelled “WE SHOULD HAVE A WAXING PARTY!” I didn’t mind, I wasn’t doing anything for the rest of the day but hanging by the pool blogging my life away. A couple of the ladies expressed concern because they’d never gotten waxed, let alone knew the difference between the different techniques. They all knew what a Brazillian wax was but they OUCHED aloud at just the thought of pulling every hair from down there. I ensured them that it is well worth it, especially during the hot summer days like today. From the poolside to the local store and in the health and beauty aisle, grown women giddy about being waxed. As we each grabbed a Sally Hansen waxing kit, I also grabbed facial waxing kits because they kept complimenting me on my eyebrows. I figured I’d give them pointers on how to properly shape eyebrows as well. I enjoy being a helpful person. Helpful and hospitable are two improtant characteristics as a Polynesian woman. My parents raised me that way. I just don’t think they’d imagined me sharing those two characteristics in this manner. (lol)
Getting waxed for the first time, alone, can be a bit nerve wrecking. Look to your friends for moral support. I did. These neighbors found comfort with one another. I’m sure they’ll remember this day for the rest of their lives because I sure will. I giggled and laughed hysterically throughout the Waxing Party because I was the designated wax strip puller, since I had the most experience with Salons and At-Home-Waxing-Kits.
Before we started with “mowing our lawns” I took them through my crash course of waxing eyebrows and properly shaping them. Depending on facial structure and nose width, everyone’s eyebrows should be shaped accordingly. From eyebrows to upper lip and peach fuzz, I was giving a lecture on waxing and it seemed like all I needed was a PowerPoint presentation, dry erase wipe board and an infrared pointer. I just wanted each of them to know what that initial strip ripped from the skin would feel like. They each were determined and ready, but then I waxed their armpits. (They sounded like screaming cats and I sounded like I was front row at Chicago’s own funny man DeRay Davis’ Power Play comedy show). They each hadn’t ever experienced pain like that of the pain they felt when I waxed each of both of their armpits. But when they felt how smooth the newly waxed area felt, they couldn’t stop touching the area as well as looking in the mirror taking pictures of their armpits. (Bathroom models are funny to me. Good thing I’m anal about clean mirrors because I hate when people take pictures in their bathroom and the mirror has toothpaste gook all over the place).
Once I was done with waxing the upper extremities, they were that much more excited about the feeling of smooth skin down there. But before we could go any further with waxing, I had each of them trim their trees. There are specific battery operated or plug in razors that work well for a quick trim and can be found in the same aisle as manual razors, dipilitory creams and waxing kits. They each had a choice of razors or scissors. Why trim? It’s easier to wax 1/4″ hair than it is to wax 1″ long hair. The hair comes out easily when it’s shorter. While they were prepping themselves, I was microwaving the wax. Most wax kits instruct consumers to microwave the wax for 3 or more minutes, which was the case with this waxing kit.
Once trimmed and the wax was warm (always check the temperature of the wax by putting it on the back of your hand to make sure it’s not TOO HOT), I waxed those that wanted the American technique. Two of them wanted the American, another two wanted the French and the other two wanted the Brazillian. (Personally, I recommend starting off the waxing experience with the American for the first timers. If you get more adventurous, move up to the French and then from there, the Brazillian. Get your skin use to the waxing).
So there I stood, gloves, warm wax and a tongue depresser in hand ready to apply the wax on my first two victims (always apply the wax in the direction the hair is growing, so that when you apply the strip you pull in the OPPOSITE direction the hair is growing). As mentioned earlier, The American technique is when the hair removal takes place just around the private area (legs and “happy trail” are the only places waxed). Some women prefer to keep the hair down there with an occasional trim to tame the mane, except for the hair that’ll show when wearing a bikini bottom. This technique is the easiest of the three, obviously because less hair is removed and the hair isn’t in “the sensative area”.
My next two vicitms thought they were prepared, but judging from their reaction when I pulled the wax strip, they weren’t. I didn’t care (this is the only time one will ever see me be heartless. No pain, no gain, right?). Their the ones that wanted the French (aka landing strip). I was having scenes from The 40 Year Old Virgin going through my head. Friends held each others hands as they squirmed and cringed when the one on the table being prepped to pretty much have her goodies be painfully groomed, yet later hoping grooming your goodies becomes rewarding. The only difference was, instead of screaming out KELLY CLARKSON, the experience had them swearing like sailors and while the one being waxed was writhing in pain, the peanut gallery laughed (what are friends for?).
And then there were the last two women who wanted Brazillians (yes the above photo is a blank white picture of nothingness). Again, I stood there with gloves on, wax and tongue depressor ready for the inevidable. I sound so at ease as I write about the entire exerience, but trust me, I was laughing hysterically the entire time. As difficult as they thought it was getting waxed, this particular waxing technique recquired flexibility on their part in order for me to properly remove all the hair. You name it, they were positioned in that manner to ensure I got all the hair. Getting a brazillian wax DOES hurt the first time because it’s ALL the hair removed from front to back, on the legs and in the “happy trail” area on the tummy. But like any other waxing technique, you get use to it and it’s cake every time after that. Deep breaths before the strip is pulled always helps. It’s the anticipation that everyone struggles with. I told each of them that I’d count to 5 and pull, but I’d count to 2 or 3 or 4 and then pull. The element of surpise lessens the pain, in my opinion. At least that’s what helps me when I’m getting waxed. *shrugs* Everyone is different. It all depends on the pain threshold of the person being waxed. Mine is extremely low. I’m a glutton for pain.
Once the waxing part of our party was done, I had to explain to them the importance of caring for the area down there for the next 12 hours. In each kit there’s a small bottle of oil. The oil not only helps remove excess wax, but helps moisturizes the newly hairless area. I’ve found that oiling the hairless area a couple times throughout the day and after a warm shower helps with moisturizing the skin. These women stood in the mirror admiring their smooth surfaces. Who knew smooth skin would have women gleaming.
After a couple more waxings, your skin will be use to it. Your hair grows back slower than it would with razors and dipilitory creams and you dont have tk worry abouy razor cuts and bumps and ingrown hairs. If I had it my way, and I had the money for it, I’d have lazer hair removal surgery to permanently remove all unwanted hair. Until then, salons, at-home-waxing kits or waxing parties are the only options I’ll ever choose.
Wax on, Wax off people. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.