My Lyfestyle Through Lyrics
“if I could see my screen through my crocodile tears, my inner most thoughts are my greatest fears”
Yes readers, I’m trying to post this while crying. Iyanla Vanzant’s poem came to mind:
Yesterday I Cried
Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired, or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected,
and disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others
did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when
the only thing left for you to do is cry.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy who didn’t know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there so badly until I ached.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know
that my soul knew everything that I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Yesterday, I cried
with an agenda.
POWERFUL, huh? The yesterday the poem speaks of is my today. This morning has started off pretty emotional for me. I am currently going through a rough stage in my life: opening up to someone to love again. How do people do that? It’s been years since I’ve felt this guarded and afraid to jump at the risk of opening up to someone for love. When I say years, I mean, YEARS! Within a year of losing my virginity i
I met who I thought was “the one”. Now that I’m at this stage in my life, it feels like that moment before you jump in the pool. You place the tip of your foot in the water to test the temperature, unsure of the safety. You assess the depth of the pool as well as the perfect spot to dive right in, yet you hold back because you’re afraid of how your body will react to the initial temperature. At some point you say “FUCK IT!” and cannonball your way into the pool. Yeah, I’m far from that point. I want to be at that point, but I feel like it’s too early. Is that being too “thirsty”? How will I be perceived? Is that question even relevant? Does that question even matter?
After years of being in a long term monogomous relationship, how does one keep from getting hurt again? Obviously there’s no way to really know than to put my heart out there, right? It’s not that easy for me. I’m always a happy person. I’m always the person that makes another person smile because sometimes that’s all a person needs to get through a rough day. Well… today I need someone to make me smile. Am I the only one that makes others smile as an act of kindness? Where are those people who give free hugs? I could really use one today. Where’s the Kleenex couch that they set up around town for random people who need a shoulder to cry on or someone with whom to talk? I need one of those.
None of those platforms are
around, but I’m blessed to have the friends that I have. At a moments notice, they all answered my call. As long as I was kept away from them, they waited this long to be there for me and today is the day that I realized that my 5 best friends are really who they say they are. My iPod is on repeat playing Count On Me – Cece Wynans & Whitney Houston (my next Lyfes Lyrics post probably, again, through crocodile tear vision). The lyrics speak true to me today.
In the midst of all the crying and venting with my girls, I wrote a poem. I don’t often share my poems because they’re my inner most thoughts about situations and people near and dear to me. This poem, however, is about me. My struggle with diving right in in hopes that love is on the other side. Yes, it is about a specific person I recently met (or so I thought I met because it seems that we’re from the same hometown, had the same circle of friends growing up, went to schools in the same school district, lived lives as military brats on the same military base, graduated the same year in high school, I found a 4th grade class picture of me and his sister and somehow we both end up across the country a few hours away from each other. Fate? Divine intervention? *shrugs*) I doubt he’ll read this post. He’s a busy bee. And I won’t be the one to guide him to this post. If he happens upon it, well… who knows.
So…I’m anonymously, yet openly dedicating this to him (if that makes sense)…don’t know if this will pretty much scare him away, but this is me putting my feelings on the line. I’m jumping in the pool people!
Here goes nothing…….
When I Open My Heart To Love Again
By Lyfes Lyrics
When I open my heart to love again, I pray it’s for forever and not as my last love did end.
When I open my heart to love again, my trust, my love, my all to whom I send?
When I open my heart to love again, I expect to be lovers but can we start as friends?
when I open my heart to love again, will u share as I’ve shared as our journey begins?
When I open my heart to love again, love me like you’ve never loved and then…
When I open my heart to love again, your heart, your love, your ears do you lend?
When I open my heart to love again, this tired, broken heart your love shall mend.
When I open my heart to love again, I hope it’s worth it all to defend.
When I open my heart to love again, the love reciprocated I will commend.
When I open my heart to love again, His blessings from above I pray decend.